The thorny road towards self-acceptance

 

 

 

“𝓘𝓯 𝔀𝓮 𝓶𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯-𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓸𝓻 𝓫𝓸𝓭𝔂 𝓪𝓬𝓬𝓮𝓹𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵, 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓱 𝓲𝓼, 𝔀𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝔂 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓿𝓮𝓼. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓲𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓫𝓸𝓭𝓲𝓮𝓼 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓽𝓵𝔂 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓰, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓻𝓮𝓶𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓮𝔁𝓪𝓬𝓽𝓵𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓪𝓶𝓮. 𝓘𝓯 𝔀𝓮 𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓮 𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯-𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓽𝓱 𝓸𝓷 𝓼𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓼 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻-𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓼 𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓫𝓸𝓭𝓲𝓮𝓼, 𝔀𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮 𝓸𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓮𝓶𝓸𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵 𝓻𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓻 𝓬𝓸𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓸𝓯 𝓫𝓸𝓭𝔂 𝓸𝓫𝓼𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓼𝓱𝓪𝓶𝓮.” — 𝓒𝓱𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓼𝔂 𝓚𝓲𝓷𝓰

 

 

I cannot bring to mind a moment where I fully accepted myself. I was always full of loathing and disapproval of my body and my face. Sure, there were and are people in my life that told me that I am beautiful and that I look just fine. But my inner critic was always there in the background, snapping all those negative words at me that held me hostage in a distorted self-image and made me prey to a never-ending quest for external acceptance,with horrible consequences to myself and others. For nearly fifty years I allowed it to control the field and consequently my decisions and my entire life.

It's been a short while this has changed. I still do not look upon myself with absolute and unconditional self-acceptance.With a new-found sense of self-respect and confidence I have,however, started to look at myself with a sense of understanding and compassion, observing myself as if I am on the outside. I notice what needs to be worked on and what is acceptable as is. This is my new relationship to myself. Menopause was very helpful in this, by adding kilos to my body that are just too stubborn to removed without a fight. It's not easy, it's a bittersweet feeling. But there is a wisdom to it. How ironic, that I should reach my fifties to garner some acceptance for who I am, both inside and on the exterior.

Some people are more self-accepting than others. It is known of course, that our reserves of self-love and self-acceptance -or lack of it- are built mostly by our parents or caregivers, thus shaping to a great extent what kind of adults we are likely to become. I see no need to elaborate more nor do I think it necessary to start listing reasons as to why a person ends up with low self-acceptance or starting a blame game or pity party. I have come to look down on victim mentality, having played the victim for decades myself.Too long if you ask me, but no more.

 

I would prefer to find the silver lining and seek solutions. Examine how your levels of self-acceptance could gradually be increased, because there is no magical elixir to make you go from an absolute self-loathing victim to a being of supreme self-acceptance. Let's have a look at some of the techniques that worked for me.

 

 

1. Gratitude. I have spoken about the significance of gratitude in numerous of my posts. Make a choice to write down daily in your journal three to five things you are grateful for about yourself. Be as detailed as possible. This will greatly help you with focusing on the positive traits of your body and personality instead of the negative. Look not only for the things that are positive. Be even more grateful for your perceived flaws or the parts of you that you believe to be ugly as well.It is a tremendous shift in your thinking, and a profound life lesson. I can speak from my own experience.

2. Form a support system. Think of the people that are in your circle of friends and acquaintances, those you spend most of your time with.Then determine whether these people contribute negatively to your way of thinking or positively. Decide whether it would be possible to spend less time with them or remove them from your vicinity altogether. I do realise that it is not always possible with a negative family member, do try though, to not allow these people unrestricted access to you. Choose instead to have positive-minded people around you, those that are beneficial to your mindset,well-being and growth.    

 

3.Meditation.  A frequent meditation practice is particularly helpful in removing those pesky, spiteful comments from your inner critic, thus improving your mood and helping you view yourself in a more positive light. Additionally, the increased sense of inner peace and well-being helps in decreased self-criticism and a much-improved self-image.

   4. Challenge your negative beliefs. A great method to do this is to take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. On one side write down all negative beliefs you have about yourself or things you perceive to have done wrong. Once you're finished with that, go over your list and challenge each belief by asking yourself "Is this true?" In the second column replace each belief/statement with a more positive one. It's a very effective method and will not only allow you to examine your self-image and personality from a more objective scope but it will grant you some grace and self-compassion as well. 

5. Exercise self-forgiveness and self-compassion. To fully accept yourself, it is essential that you forgive yourself for being so harsh on yourself and show yourself some compassion, for you did not know any better. Once you have effectively shifted from a negative belief about yourself to a more positive one as described in the written exercise above, forgive yourself for that belief. It works even better when you say it out loud to yourself. "I forgive you for..." Even better, do it in front of a mirror. It is extremely cathartic but also highly emotional, so have some tissues nearby. Again, I speak from experience. I literally bawled as I uttered all those things I forgave myself for. Such a catharsis is necessary though, as it opens up the space for  the self-acceptance you crave. The only way is through the negativity not by suppressing it. Now you are finally ready to step into your power.

 

      “𝒜𝓃𝒹 𝐼 𝓈𝒶𝒾𝒹 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝑜𝒹𝓎 𝓈𝑜𝒻𝓉𝓁𝓎, ‘𝐼 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒻𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓃𝒹.’ 𝐼𝓉 𝓉𝑜𝑜𝓀 𝒶 𝓁𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒽 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓇𝑒𝓅𝓁𝒾𝑒𝒹, ‘𝐼 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝑒𝓃 𝓌𝒶𝒾𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓂𝓎 𝓌𝒽𝑜𝓁𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈.” — 𝒩𝒶𝓎𝓎𝒾𝓇𝒶𝒽 𝒲𝒶𝒽𝑒𝑒𝒹

That's all for today. I hope this post is in some tiny way useful to you!

Sending you endless ripples of positivity and love, 

Lia 💓